Zebras Amok, Turkeys Cost Bucks, and Aliens Are Cucks – Opinion

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism is worthy of Pulitzer consideration

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions to the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. We must recognize journalistic mistakes-excellence to be able to correctly identify them.


Distinguished National Reporting

  • Janai Norman – Good Morning America

GMA was full of bad news regarding Thanksgiving turkeys. All they were concerned with was the rising cost of turkeys and how lower stock levels will lead to higher demand. There are many factors that could be contributing to this, including inflation, shortages of labor, and transportation challenges. There was however one problem.

Global warming. Yes.


The Best Local Reporting

  • Alenea Cremen — WUSA Channel 9 News

About a month ago, we reported on the deeply serious story of five zebras escaping from a ranch outside of the D.C. area. They are still free after all this, so a plan is being devised to try and capture them.

Now, I am not one to suggest that they could be adding to the problem – the officials looking to wrangle the beasts are the ones saying this.


The Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

This once-great music magazine is struggling to find recognition. The reluctance of the masthead to become a news source has made it less credible. Rolling Stone reported the hilariously ridiculous story about Ivermectin poisonings causing hospitals to overflow.

The magazine should just settle back and accept the truth – this is the kind of reporting they are better attuned to deliver.


The Best Local Reporting

  • Ruth Marcus — Washington Post

Ruth shared a poignant and intimate story about a recent experience that she had to emphasize the severity of the pandemic. She got in an elevator – AND SOMEONE WALKED IN WITHOUT A MASK.

It’s horrible stuff, I know. Ms. Marcus explains how she handled the scofflaws and placed them in their proper place. These reporters are incredibly brave and willing to correct the gentry but have not spoken a word of criticism for Mayor Muriel bowser or President Biden, who were shown recently violating their mask orders.


Distinguished Cultural Criticism

  • Petula Dvorak — Washington Post

Maybe it’s the white privilege talking, but there are some professions it just never occurred would be rife with racism. It was shocking to find out that zookeeping had been racist. As I presume. I just could not read much further than the gripping headline – Zookeeping Isn’t Common In The Black Community. One Black Zookeeper wants to change that.

Yea, it’s funny. This was the same conversation I had with the Ocelot groomer, and Ostrich gynecologist at the Ostrich bar in my neighborhood that serves all zookeepers.


Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Everyone was outraged at the portrayal of Superman as bisexual. But there was a more sinister display. In the effort to show how woke the Non-Binary-Gender-Fluid-Entity Of Steel could be the comic also showed the character participating in a climate protest.

You have the ability to change the world with all your power. The best way to achieve this is by holding a sign made of cardboard.


International Excellence in Reporting

  • D. Lawrence, Mary Mrad, Chloe-Lee Longhetti — Daily Mail

This is the Australian edition of the British newspaper. It tells of Paul Hogan (81 years old, Los Angeles resident), getting ready to board an airplane and fly home to Australia.

That’s it. That’s the story. This non-report was compiled by THREE people.

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