‘Own the Libs Day’ Was Too Good to Be a Coincidence. Here’s What Really Happened.

“I hereby declare today to be known, from this point forward, as national Own The Libs Day.”

Losing your virginity. On Christmas morning. While riding the teacups at Disneyland. That’s kind of like what Monday’s news cycle was like for conservatives.

In the afterglow of the Mueller report finding that President Donald Trump did not collude with Russia, there was the bombshell extortion arrest of Stormy Daniels attorney and Trump nemesis Michael Avenatti and the revelation that Avenatti’s co-conspirator was none other than now-former CNN legal analyst Mark Geragos.

Besides his frequent appearances on Trump’s least favorite network, Geragos is known for defending Jussie Smollett and Colin Kaepernick, two frequent targets of conservative ire.

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Folks on the right tend to pride themselves on a certain world-weary cynicism, but on Monday conservatives and Republicans were gushing on Twitter like love-drunk schoolgirls.

Pundits wondered aloud what they’d done to deserve such blessings. Surely, this had to be more than mere chance.

But how to explain such serendipity?

What happened on the day that Democrats may come to rue as the “Monday Massacre” can’t be explained in naturalistic or logical terms. In order to fully comprehend national “Own the Libs” day, one need go beyond the workaday realms of political analysis or “common sense” – and think outside the box.

No explanation is too far-fetched, no idea too stupid, in the quest for a thorough understanding of the bounty bestowed upon the right this week by the politics gods. Hence, in no particular order, here are five theories for why Monday was so fucking awesome.

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Theory 1: Mustachioed patriot Don Blankenship, failed U.S. Senate candidate and coiner of the best nickname in all of politics, made a blood pact with the devil: his soul in exchange for the complete implosion of the Democratic Party. Blankenship was all smiles as the flames of Hades licked his flesh, comforted by the knowledge that his sacrifice has ensured the flourishing of America for generations to come.

Theory 2: Traumatized and disgruntled employees of Sen. Amy Klobuchar had a psychotic episode after being pushed past the breaking point by the hard-driving Minnesota Democrat. Their minds shattered, they plotted a humiliating overthrow of the Democratic party – a shocking betrayal of the master they’d once sworn to serve.

Theory 3: The religious right was vindicated in their belief in the power of “thoughts and prayers.” In a stinging rebuke to Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York, Vice President Mike Pence’s personal relationship with Jesus led to a Democratic smiting of biblical proportions.

Theory 4: In an eerie case of life imitating art, we were simply pawns living out a simulation similar to the one depicted in 2009 genre thriller “Gamer,” starring Scottish bad-boy Gerard Butler. In this reality, Trump loyalist Dan Bongino can control our every action just by thinking it.

Theory 5: President Trump mastered literal 4-D chess, causing a tear in the space-time continuum and allowing him to unleash the full extent of his awesome powers.

Theory 6: “MAGA” teen Nick Sandmann stumbled on fortune telling machine Zoltar from the 1988 comedy classic “Big.” Upon encountering the mystical entity, Sandmann mouthed one simple phrase: “I wish I could own the libs.”

Theory 7: QAnon is real.

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