Wear a Fishbowl! It Works, Too – Opinion

You can stop looking now: we’ve reached peak absurdity.

It is absurd to tell people that they must wear masks for 10 seconds as they go to the restaurant table, but they are able to take them off for up to two hours.

Joe Biden insists that all federal property owners wear a mask to prevent Omicron. But COVID snuck around Jen Psaki’s mask and got her. Jen returned to work looking no different. She doesn’t wear a mask while spewing her phlegm and lies during press briefings. However, the person asking questions must continue to wear a mask. It’s all absurd.

But Vice reports that “experts” (maybe the same genius scientists who told us it would only be “two weeks” to flatten the curve and “wear a mask, save a life”) have determined that wearing pantyhose on your face is the best protection against COVID.

“Oh, come on, Jim! This has to parody, right?”

No, I do a lot parody and satire, but this, according to Vice is — 100 percent — the best way to keep your virtue-signaling mask tight to your face. Pantyhose has become the ultimate virtue signal. It is a prideful garment that can be worn around town.

The publication’s headline reads:

According to Vice’s Samantha Cole:

The pantyhose caused high levels of discomfort as well as issues speaking and occasional obstruction of the eyes,” the researchers wrote. 

“For most of the hacks, comfort was a big issue,” Eugenia O’Kelly, the paper’s first author, said in a press release. “The rubber bands for example, tended to put painful pressure on the ears and face, to the point where they hindered circulation to the ears. It may not be wise to use an uncomfortable, effective hack in high-risk situations. The added protection is well worth the inconvenience, however, these hacks would prove difficult to wear every day.

If someone can figure out how to combine the fetish market for crotch-scented masks with the improved safety of a better fit, they would have a real seller on their hands.”

This study was peer-reviewed. It likely was funded through a large federal grant. At least they didn’t torture beagle puppies, but they had to buy a ton of pantyhose.

The visual PowerPoint slide in the Abstract shows the “hacks”:

Credit: Plos One


In parks, I see cloth-masked people still wearing them. Thursday saw me see the same woman every single day. She was pushing her baby in a stroller, with a toddler. In the open, she and her child wear masks all day. When she receives her directive from the Cardinals, the COVID Cult will likely have her and her child wearing pajamas.

It might be useful for bank robbers. In any event, it isn’t satire.

Truly, we are doomed.

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