In an exclusive for RedState, fictional freelancer Martin I. Tiburon provides a glimpse at the inner workings of Terry McAuliffe’s gubernatorial campaign.
–Here’s a look behind the scenes at what happened in the Democratic campaign over the past week, including all of the tiki torches.
The Numbers Station
I was briefly engrossed, looking over the CNN analysis of the Virginia governor’s race. Jim Acosta made a series of allegations against Glenn Youngkin (the GOP candidate), and other statements. I realized after watching the segment that Youngkin’s attributions of things he said were coming from Terry McAuliffe (his Democratic opposition). After restarting the segment, it was cut short.
“Martin, c’mon.”
Renzo Oliveri sped past my station, and I watched from my computer. Terry McAuliffe’s press secretary, who everyone in the office calls Zo, was briskly making it to the conference room, where Jake Rubenstein stood, a groaning expression on his mug. The Chief of Staff had recently bellowed, “Media – Get it now,” across the office, Christina FreundlichI was also running to get into the room. I apparently was also part of this spontaneous meeting.
A little over a month ago, I was embedded in the campaign as a freelancer looking for a job. Mother Jones [Note: They ultimately declined to run this piece, as a result of “not being news-worthy.’”] My mission was to give an inside view, warts included, on how modern political campaigns operate. I arrived in a shaky atmosphere. I was given an area to observe, and then I learned that the office had a rotating staff. I eventually became an acceptable member of the team.
It was soon clear that everyone accepted me working there. I wasn’t able to correct the assumption because I had been granted greater access. In a bizarre act of chaotic osmosis, I was made a part of the media group and was now being invited to this meeting.
My behavior was the same as usual. I moved to one side, sat down and was silent. It was thought that I was working because of my focus on my phone. I was, actually — not just as a show for them.
“These numbers, gang — what are we doing about them?!” Rubenstein tossed sheets on the desk, results of the recent polls showing their opponent, Glenn Youngkin had taken a slight edge.
“Shouldn’t we wait for Cliff?” Christina referred to the candidate, Terry McAuliffe, in their shorthand manner, which is never used around him.
“He’s nearly here,” said the boss. “But this is our problem, so it’s our fix. The margin of error is out the door, this is a legit tie!” Stern looks were traded, and then Zo muttered his offering.
“It might be time. Operation Trader Vic is still an option.”
Rubenstein was clearly nervous as he rubbed his back on the neck. This phrase was repeated a few times, but I always got hesitant when I asked. Fearing that I would reveal my safe place, I kept my eyes closed and my mouth open.
But then, noises rose from out in the office, and we all knew the candidate had returned from that morning’s press appearance. More than one set of eyes closed, the memory of Terry McAuliffe’s attempted dancing still fresh from the media cycle.
“Hey now, there’s my brain trust!” he said, bursting into the conference room. “Did you guys see it? What happened? Is it still going well? How did it go? Viral yet?”
McAuliffe had the feeling that he was tapped into something very special. Renzo found a video of Donald Trump performing his trademark tilting and non-dance routine during preparations for an event. Terry had an idea for something similar but came up short. He produced a series of spasmodic gyrations that were so severe they were invariably shared across social media. This was mistakenly taken by Terry as a positive sign. He seemed determined to trademark his Elaine Benes choreography. He might have been successful.
Everyone’s mocking Terry McAuliffe’s dancing, but I don’t think it’s too bad…#LetsGoBrandon (sound ON) pic.twitter.com/vUzYt0Oobj
— Nihilist Viking (@Nihilist_Viking) October 23, 2021
“We haven’t checked with the social team on that yet. Right now we are focusing on something else.” Rubenstein’s meaty finger tapped the papers. “We just got some numbers.”
McAuliffe corrected McAuliffe’s mistake and a sheet was shoved towards him. “Fox is showing that twerp in a vest is moving ahead of you.”
This crushed Terry’s dance visions. His face lightened after he looked at the numbers.
“Well s**t, that’s Fox News. These numbers don’t count — It’s Fox!”
Christina smiled and said they did count. McAuliffe made the matter more complicated, but she interjected.
“We have to listen to these figures because weeks back, when you were in the lead, we kept pushing their poll. The thinking was if Fox was saying you were leading, that was more significant.”
They all exchanged ideas for a while, but McAuliffe took the initiative to place his bets.
“Okay, we’ll go with the homophobic angle today. We’ll say Marty McFly has said anti-gay stuff in the past.” This was Terry being dismissive of Youngkin. He always found it humorous to compare Youngkin’s affection for wearing fleece vests to the Michael J. Fox character in the “Back To The Future” movies.
“I don’t know that he has actually said anything homophobic, though,” replied Renzo.
“SO?!” shouted the candidate. Christina ran to get to the social media children and had them begin sending dispatches.
McAuliffe was then led to Rubenstein. “Is He still coming? Are you sure this is a good idea?” Terry was referring to the fact that the next day Joe Biden was arriving to campaign on McAuliffe’s behalf, something that everyone viewed as a paradox. Biden’s popularity has been cratering, but then so has their candidate’s poll numbers. The President was seen as an evil necessity.
“What if,” theorized Renzo, “we put out a preemptive release, pointing out how Terry here was polling at a percentage that is higher than Biden’s approval numbers?”
The meeting was adjourned after the motion was approved.
Take a Spin Class
Zo spent the afternoon at the desk that I’d been given weeks before, discussing ideas and bouncing them off me regarding the positions for different stories. He asked me right now if parents of school-aged children are a motivating voting bloc. McAuliffe was then at the door, snapping his fingers to a song in his head.
“Hey, Terry,” said Zo as a greeting, “James Carville sent another email.”
Terry clearly annoyed, he turned his head and threw it back.
“I KNOW! That’s like what, his fifth one today?! He acts like he is the only person to ever run a campaign!” Then Christina FreundlichShe raced towards us with her phone between her fingers, nervous and speaking in rapid whispers.
“It’s Chris Cillizza!” This announcement was met with unanimous apathy from us, though she was clearly agitated with some information.
Zo calmly took out her smartphone and hit the MUTE key on the screen.
“What’s the issue?”
“It’s about the Stacey Abrams event yesterday. Terry’s election results and the fact that she won are what he says he has to include in his writing. He says he has to cover it as a voter fraud-adjacent piece.” Renzo looked away for a moment, then he steeled himself, and unmuted the phone.
“Hey, Chris – it’s Renzo! How’s everything? How are the kids?… Yea? The mask is actually something he likes to wear to school. Well, that’s safe, right…so, what do you have for us?… Oh, well yes, he did say that, but that is known… right, but that is FAR different than what Trump is doing… How?”
He shot us all a quick look.
“Well the Georgia mess has been well documented, and Stacey has become a real hero in the party as a result… I know, I know, but the difference is Trump has not proven anything… I get that, but can’t you spin this in a way that is less impactful?…Well… how about this, make it a point to highlight Trump on the matter, as much as you can? You can mention Trump and his Big Lie often, but keep this angle front. Then you can point out that the big difference is that Trump has been saying these things for months now…Right, right, just highlight that he has been talking it up since January. Okay, great Chris — sounds awesome. We’ll talk”
At least temporarily, there was relief among the group. Then I noticed another detail.
“Hasn’t Abrams been saying these things for Years now?” I asked.
— Part 2 of this exclusive behind-the-scenes report will be upcoming, including the dramatic events surrounding the Charlottesville tiki torch brigade!
Editor’s note: this is a parody piece (that is, satire). Brad Slager should receive all the praises and ridicule.
About Post Author
