Unfunny ‘Satire’: WashPost Imagines Women as Men’s Property if Roe Overturned

The Washington Post’s “humor” columnist Alexandra Petri published an opinion piece Tuesday that was supposedly satire, but it wasn’t the slightest bit funny or clever. Because of state laws challenging Roe v. Wade, she imagined America would soon be a dystopian state where women were treated as little more than men’s property. It’s quite original!

Her piece was entitled, “Woman savoring last few hours before getting turned back into vessel,” The title was not as ridiculous as you may think.

It had been so long — nearly 49 years, with a few scares along the way — that the illusion had held, that she was a citizen, a person with rights to be respected in her own right….

It had been 49 years. But when the court’s clock struck, her run would in all likelihood begin to end. She would no longer be an autonomous person over her own body which she was required to obey the law. Once that was made a possibility, she would return to her role as a vessel capable of holding a person.

The thought that she could travel anywhere in America and have her decision about whether or not she wants to become pregnant was so wonderful. Any doctor that treated her would be able to give her accurate information on the risks that she was exposed to, so that, if anything happened, her weight would not be affected.

Naturally, being a journalist to the Post, lies abound. Mississippi’s law, to which Ms. Petri is referring, allows for exceptions in the matter of life and death of mothers, as with many anti-abortion, pro-life laws. But the media won’t tell the truth about that.

She continued crafting her tall tale about how women would soon be stuck inside the home with no rights of their own:

She pondered what to do while the Supreme Court heard arguments about Mississippi’s abortion law and deliberated upon them and formed an opinion. She had so many things that she loved doing. It was a good thing that she got to vote earlier in the month. Perhaps she could sue someone, hold a job out of the home, or express her opinion in writing somewhere. Perhaps she can go and feed birds. Perhaps she can pursue some happiness. Perhaps she could have a cup of latte.

From there, it only became more annoying and less funny. Despite Petri and her pro-abortion cohorts insisting that an unborn baby was less than human, she complained it was the pro-life side who viewed people as less than human:

She was there to witness people being born in that period. They didn’t know how it felt to be someone other than themselves. They would find it difficult to remember that they are not human. Their autonomy taken away from them. Not only women, either — plenty of people who would be shocked to find themselves downgraded because they possessed parts the state felt were public domain.

It was nice to be a person for a while.. It would be a shame to turn her back into a vessel. She wrote that she might not be able to stay in a vessel for long. Petri finished her piece by rallying Post’s liberal soldiers to resist anti-abortion legislation:

They were already salivating at the thought of seeing so many people transform so fast, almost overnight. It seemed like a possibility.

As though they could decide. As if she wouldn’t fight.

Petri’s callous attitude towards unborn children has reared its ugly head before. About two years ago she published a piece mocking a Pennsylvania state law that would allow parents who wanted to burry or cremate their miscarried child rather than have it be tossed as “medical waste.” Petri sarcastically wrote in response, “State legislators, stop being cowards. Mandate funerals for all spermatozoa.” She sure has a lot of sympathy for women who want to kill their children, but very little for grieving parents. 

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