Hutchinson’s testimony had one CNN media analyst particularly struck by her performance. The parody version is our take on the matter.
It is fair to say that the media was overwhelmed by Cassidy Hutchinson’s Tuesday appearance at the hearing on January 6. This is because many reactions were exaggerated. “Dramatic,” “Historic,” “Watergate-level,” and all other hyperbolic descriptors were rushed out to editors Tuesday afternoon. None may have been more effusive however than from CNN’s David Zurawik.
Following Cassidy’s performance, Zurawik was positively vibrating with excitement. “It was a stunning TV moment.” he enthused. He went on to describe her appearance as “A brave, electrifying testimony.” And he was not done. David went on to make things uncomfortable.
Cassidy Hutchinson spoke with the energy and power of truth and history. This is what it means to speak truth to power. Shame on those who weren’t there Jan. 6, but refused to tell the American people what they heard and saw.
— David Zurawik (@davidzurawik) June 28, 2022
As a result, Dave is poised to release a book on the Tuesday hearing, his impressions of that day captured in the flowing prose we have come to appreciate from CNN’s media wordsmith. We obtained an excerpt of Zurawik’s impending release, The Insurrection of the Heart.Bask in his passionate locution
CHAPTER 3 The Truth-Swept Court
Cassidy came in confident despite being a young woman. She was barely past her quarter-century mark and yet she looked young by D.C. standards. Her charismaticism hushed every room. The gaze she displayed created a vacuum and males as well as females gasped. She was radiant in an ivory outfit that contrasted her flowing auburn hair, and hardly blinked as she moved to take her place before each panel.
Cassidy was poised, confident and fully in control of her moment. Cassidy’s skills are so impressive that it would be hard for a svengali to match her abilities. She spoke with a fluidity that could be poured onto desserts, and her voice had a sound that could calm an army or rouse an archfiend. The fact that her verse flowed from this form of sylph meant she was total seduction.
This was but the beginning, as her enticement skills included more than just her aura — a masterful cajolery was also unleashed. Even the most cynics could not resist listening to Ms. Hutchinson’s delivery. Her testimony was turgid with facts and invaded the intimate recesses of the doubters’ minds, incapable were they from denying her from occupying their realms of pent desires.
Cassidy spoke about how the former President imposed his will on the beautiful and unspoiled form of our treasured founding. He rapaciously violated the bosom of our democracy, tearing apart the Constitution like a bodice shred from the unsullied figure of a maiden, shredding the Bill of Rights as if they were a vestal’s foundation garments, impeding his desires to be forced upon her.
The audience was enchanted by the past leader’s vile actions. He fought for the control of his motorcade and caused gasps. Then, he recounted the vicious attack on agents that caused vertiginous reactions in the room. As Ms. Hutchinson, the Divine Mother of the Universe, began to recount her brief interlude at the nearby dinner area, the adverse emotions subsided a bit.
Cassidy was unrestrained by her outburst and sought to understand the source of the snarling sounds. The dining room was her next destination. There she encountered a scene of disturbing consummation – and the White House valet. Like her, Young was outspoken, but was made shy by the apparent rage. Although eyes were opened, the violence that lingered over him was a pall. This prevented any words from being able to be delivered.
The streak of ketchup along the wall caught her attention, the crimson-colored rivulet a stark reminder of the predicated aggression. She immediately settled in to a group effort. As her cloth tightened around her shape, the effect increased her frame and highlighted her curves and limbs, she grabbed a towel. Still, as more condiment evidence was removed, there were many vocal eruptions in the halls.
Compelled into action, Cassidy strode with an equine’s athleticism for an office. She felt anxious and the tension was intensifying. A velveteen sheen from sweat settled on her skin as she wrote a letter to her leader in a desperate attempt to calm her anger. She remained as she was, short of breath, her chest rising with every intake. Under that rising display, her heart beat with acceleration.
This was her profession. Would this bring on more mixed emotions of fear and physical ardors? The feeling of panic nearly drove her to join the valet. She desired to return to him, and indulge in that very obvious shared desire – unspoken and yet, made all the more obvious by the crisis that enveloped them.
However, she found herself pulled somewhere else. Her country required her even more, as much as she wanted the comfort of the fit steward’s embrace and that feeling to be able to feel that havoc-inspiring need. This was where she found her true passions. After regaling the attendant crowd, she turned her cafe-hued eyes to the panel once again, her lithe form now everyone’s focus.
Seduction was done. The seduction was complete for all of us present. All would willingly go to any location if directed by her. Cassidy’s passion for this nation was matched…by our passion for her.
Mr. Zurawik’s book will be released this fall by Capitol Passions, the political imprint of Harlequin Romance Publishing.
[Just in case it needs to be reiterated for the Twitter TOS division or the CNN legal team, the above piece was a work of satire.]
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