(Editor’s Note: This article was originally posted on Memorial Day 2018.)
Between 1994 and 2012, I lived approximately 15 miles from Fort Bragg North Carolina. It was in this rural region that many Army officers, as well as members of Special Forces, made their home. Our area was directly affected by the War on Terror. Fort Bragg troops were among the first to deploy in that region after 9/11. We were reminded daily of the sacrifices these families were making – the dad who wasn’t there to participate in Little League with the kids or read a bedtime story or attend awards ceremonies at the elementary school, or any of the hundreds of little things that make up family life. Some dads didn’t make it back home, unfortunately.
Tiffany and me became close friends while we were both Cub Scout boys. I knew it was difficult for her to keep everything together at home while her husband, a Green Beret, was in parts unknown for months at a time – and when there were constant reports on the nightly news of injuries and casualties halfway around the world. But I didn’t realize the depths of the pain and trials she and other military wives experienced until a few years ago. That Memorial Day she wrote about losses her husband’s small unit sustained during one deployment, and with her permission, I am sharing it here in full.
I can recall watching news every day in the beginning of war. The amount of information that the media provided about where our troops were located shocked me. This really bothered my. We could also find out almost immediately if another Green Beret had been lost.
One particular day I can recall was when I received a bulletin indicating that there were not just one, but two deaths in our small unit. My heart dropped. All of us were trying to figure out what was going on in the phone tree. Is it me? Do you think I would hear the knock at the door? Like every wife of a military husband, I thought up my answer. What would you say? What would you do? What would you do? Would you yell at them or cry and tell them to go? You can ask them to come in. Which would you recommend for your children? Step outside?
It didn’t knock on my door that day. Two other wives received the same knock.
It was clear to me that I needed to attend their funeral. It would have been nice to see other wives support me if I was there, so I chose to be the only one.
It was a brave morning that I woke up feeling confident. Even though I was dressed up and had done my makeup, it seemed odd. I’m not sure why. The chapel was all to myself as I drove there. I went quietly inside, and found my spot on the pew at the back. I wasn’t comfortable sitting up close to the family. Although I was worried about the empty seats, most of my guys were already gone so I got it.
The stained glass featured soldiers carrying guns and was so bizarre that I couldn’t help but notice it when I looked at them. Guns and church didn’t seem to go together.
Now I understand. Those windows show the depth of man’s soul in a battle. There is probably not a place closer to God – or seemingly further from Him – on this earth.
The memorial was almost over when a long line formed of young soldiers who flooded the chapel. There was only enough room for everyone. Later, I learned that they had brought students from their local training unit to show support. These young men were amazing. I was curious to see what their thoughts were.
I don’t remember much of what was said that day, but I clearly remember the final roll call. Every soldier in the group is named by the command. (12) Each soldier answers “Here, Sgt Major” until they get to the fallen soldier. They are called by their name and then volleyed with gunfire if there’s no response.
The agonizing cry of the wife from one soldier on that fateful day will remain with me forever. My heart hurt for her. Just thinking about that sound makes me feel terrible. That volley was the last thing her husband heard before his death. Was that his last thought? This sound is almost deafening. He didn’t know it was his. Was he able to see her again? Did he feel pain? They might have been her thoughts. Now they were holding her by the feet. It was hard to keep my eyes open.
I left the chapel feeling much more brave and quickly returned home. I got out of the chapel and sank into my car.
It was a day I regret not having gone to. Fear filled my entire life. I was afraid of the wailing pain. The fear kept me from running. I couldn’t run fast enough. I tried praying my way to get out of this pain. My mind was clouded by sleeplessness. My knock was certain, but I couldn’t eat and drink anymore.
I ended my marriage. I couldn’t wait for this certain end. It was all too hard for me to love him. To the surprise and dismay of all I knew, I hid in a glass. My mind was twisted with the sorrow of the sound of the wife’s cry. This haunted my mind and continues to haunt me.
Those were some of the most difficult months in my entire life. It was hard to believe how I felt. But I also know that her pain would never be the same.
Rich’s deployment was an amazing success. Others didn’t. For our unit, it was an extremely difficult year. The husband returned to his wife broken and in pain.
It is a blessing to have been able, with the help of temple marriage and the power atonement, to heal the injuries from that deployment.Each year, however, every Memorial Day I recall my wife. Her pain, and her sacrifice are what I will always remember. It is her son that I think of, as well as the grief he must feel. They gave everything.
Most soldiers are not drafted to oppose this specific political enemy. They joined to help America. They don’t pick a side. It isn’t about that to these patriots. It’s protecting their home and fellow citizens. Let the politicians do the political work and make them accountable. Love the soldier. He loves America.
Tiffany shared with me that the weeks around Memorial Day are extremely difficult for many combat veterans, who are remembering their brothers in arms who didn’t get to come back home. They replay the battle scenes, second guess their split-second decisions and wonder how they managed to survive.
When we honor and remember those who gave their lives on Memorial Day, we should also remember the parents, spouses, siblings, and children left behind – their pain and their sacrifice. They sacrificed everything.
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