For Earth Day We Study the Environmental Promises

We are now on the third solar lap. Today is Earth Day.

All, I want to send you all a Happy Earth Day. This means, of course — because this is an environmentalist national holiday, after all – that there is nothing at all happy or joyous about today because we need to focus solely on doom and the promise of our demise. Hey, don’t scream at me;This consensus is held by the scientific community. 

Welllllll — in actuality, it is really more the consensus of the media covering the scientific community —But this is important stuff! So long as you don’t analyze their claims, that is. They don’t do any research because they are too eager to write about every possible connection to the planetary disaster.

There were many issues, starting with the 1970 Earth Day. A lot of the propagandizing that came from that event was about us dying from an approaching ice ages. Also, Billions of people were at risk from the famineBy the end of this century, the sun would be blocked by pollution Gas masks would be required by citizens, acid rain would kill all plant life, and we’d run out of oil…uh, 30 years ago.

We have experienced severe hunger, which is fair to say, but this was because of Venezuelan politics. 

There are some problems with the creation of this day, beyond being 180 degrees out of phase with what today’s degrees would be. Now, some may want to overstate the fact that the founder of the event, Ira Einhorn, murdered his girlfriend, but it is important to understand that he lived by example — He actually did make her body compostable.

We listened to the campfire horror stories, took immediate action and look what has happened. As a result, our oil use has increased and we have gotten more obese. We can’t win. 

In the midst of all this confusion, I want to offer some help today on this Earth Day! Below you will find many of the disasters promised to me in the name education. 

Zoological Change

Let’s start with nature. She is the most vulnerable in this natural catastrophe. While many species will die, those who survive the natural disasters are likely to live a much better life. 

To start, hedgehogs Will be going bald. Yes, I know — grievous news, but you really need to pull yourself together; we have a long road ahead, and things will get far worse. Also, oysters will be plagued – By herpes. (I said it, all of us need to be worried.

Are there any other creatures who may still survive? They will have varying levels of success. They will kill us. There will be. New sharks are createdAnd All of them will be attacked You will see us often. Crocodiles Will be driven off the waterWe are vampires, so we ask you to find us. The bats of the future will bePlasma scourge marauding jellyfishWe will be hunted down. 

Now, I can hear you thinking — “I’ll just avoid the ocean…and, bat environments!” Sorry.  It is possible that even benign creatures from the garden will be able to take us over. ErdwormsYou can also call it: toads, or even those innocent-to-this-point Slugs!

The Grocery End

Given the nightmare that our lifestyles could become, it is possible to actually be open to these deadly attacks. Take a look at the food we eat. You can’t say “Goodbye!” To guacamole. You like Italian food? Too bad, It’s time to say goodbye pasta. If you like cereal in the morning it is buyer beware, because “killer cornflakes” Will be arriving. The absence of snow will not only make Christmas less special, We will have to give up gingerbread housesDuring the entire process

Social Downheaval

We are on the verge of becoming a culture that is obsessed with incivility due to global warming. Ladies – your sex lives are about to become WAY different.  The rise in heat will lead to more women cheating While they’re on vacation. Those lasses who cannot afford to travel will still be busy, as they will be Turning to prostitution.  You, those of middle income will become victims of the rapes. It’s all the rage. And identifying their assailant will become more difficult, as they will notice more They are their attackersAre not circumcised.

This is not all. Slavery will continue to exist. A big return. And I don’t think I am shocking anyone here, since everyone already assumes that We will be seeing more executions of witchesThe temperatures will rise.

Do not settle for less

It is certain that the world will heat up, even though it is continuously beaten with a snow shovel. Whether it is global cooling, global warming, climate change, or now Climate Emergency, just know all the scientists agree — It’s Settled!(The science of the matter, but not its naming. 

These sound theories are fine with me, but I do have one objection. In looking over the data that is offered up as “indisputable proof” that Global Wa– … that is, Climate Cha–… I mean Climate EmergencyIt is certain, but I still have one question.

Why is so much of the “settled science” data so contradictory? If scientists didn’t keep making contradicting claims, I might be open to the claim that all scientists agree.

Let’s start with those sharks I mentioned earlier. You may recall that they are going to attack you more often. Also, we are told They will attack us lessGlobal warming is causing this. Also known as climate change. We are now on a winding road of uncertain certainty and global changes. Basically, we see that when science reaches a fork in the road the answer is “Take it.”

We will now examine the impacts on beaches. AGW is a threat to our beaches. The oceans are saltierIt also will bring about the oceans Salt levels droppingsimultaneously. Climate change is expected to bring about changes Ocean wavesMuch larger. It is also having a negative impact by making the waves…uh, well much smaller.

The effects of global warming are certain Diminishing Effectcoral reefs. There is good news. Global warming.

Part of the reason we’ll be heating up is due to an increase in clouds which will have The heat-trapping effect. Another reason we’ll be heating up is There will be fewer cloud,We will no longer be able to trap heat, but instead we’ll roast in the sun.  UNLESS – that increase in clouds It will reflect the sunlightYou can also shade the planet. OR, we’ll see a Reduced visibility in the clouds altogether…which means they will NOT be trapping the heat…nor will they reflect the sun, which is either bad or good, depending. Talking about climate change is a good idea. You will only make doomsday preachers cranky if you mention clouds.

Also, the Earth’s rotation will become affected by climate change. It is impossible to know when it will begin. You can turn fasterOrReducing your speed. Whichever happens, just be sure it’s bad.

It is obvious that heat increases. It will snow less, ButThis means that there will be fewer avalanches. We are promised that mountain areas will experience the same. Additional avalanches. I’m not sure what the math looks like on this one. Best to pray for the best.

Confusion Growing

Although the effects of climate change on plant life is well-documented, some reports don’t make the right weather predictions. Climate Emergency is imminent. Stimulating tree growthFollowed by deforestation.It is countered by the promise that it will stimulate a faster growthThe expansion of trees Our forests. Huh.

The trees are also in conflict. There will be a lot of negative effects. trees less colorful… while causing them to Exhibit more color.

The drought will cause severe damage to the agricultural sector. Loss of soilBut, at the same, agriculture will Experiment with expansion. Crop production forecasts are grim. In fact, the banana crop will grow. IncreaseDue to warmer temperatures. Oh, wait, nope – the increase in predatory bugs They will die. Sorry. The truffles are also affected. However, we haven’t decided whether they will go extinct. more plentifulIf there is, Be prepared for a shortage.

You might be thinking, “Surely all of this unbalanced stress will impact beer?” It will! This will be either terrible or very helpful. Hops Productionor lead to Drop inBarley plants Whatever the situation, we can be certain that beer will soon become a mainstream beverage. More expensive.

The former animal planet

We also have many promises paradoxes within the animal kingdom. The butterflies can be found everywhere at once The imperiledThey are caused by environmental changes. rescued. Remember those oysters who contracted sexually transmitted disease? Well, the good news is if they don’t die from STDs they will become The size of the world is immense.

Penguin chicks may be endangered, but it is not clear how. They must deal with the increased threat. Heat and rainOr they will freeze to death. These little bastards will be screwed in any event. Adding to the chaos, our fish will start going deaf.

One conflict is perhaps the most striking example of the bipolarity of science settled: It’s impossible to decide on the fate of pirates. Experts aren’t even sure if we will see. More privateersYou can also call it: fewer buccaneersDue to global warming. What else could they have done wrong?

This all strikes me as an extensive list of combative data pointed to as “proof” for a subject said to be iron-clad settled. But I suppose if everything can be blamed on global warming then it doesn’t matter, since those items cancel themselves out. The main point that everyone can agree upon, despite all appearances is that Anything does happen with global-climate-warming-change it is assuredly disastrous.

All I know is I am racing to get a bowl of cereal now — before it rears up and kills me!