On Monday’s installment of The Late Show On CBS, Stephen Colbert mocked Republicans who voted against the PACT Act. He claimed that they voted against health care for veterans to get back at Democrats Chuck Schumer, Joe Manchin, and their efforts to reach a climate deal. Colbert ignored other explanations that were less harmful.
Colbert began by solemnly declaring, “there’s a story about Congress and veterans out there that you might have heard of. I’m just gonna start by saying I’ve been making the political jokey make-’em-ups for over 20 years, and I’ve never seen anything so baldly cynical and pointlessly malicious as this.”
After explaining the bill, Colbert reported, “Except that, due to an administrative issue, the Senate had to revote on the bill. And this time, it was blocked, because 25 Republican senators flipped their votes.”
As he continued, Colbert raised a middle finger, “And like many Americans, I’d like to flip them in return. And, why would Republicans screw over veterans on a good bill that they previously voted for? Well, one theory is they had their boxers in a bunch after Joe Manchin and Chuck Schumer secretly negotiated a big climate deal.”
That’s one theory. Another, more innocent explanation is that the bill was written is such a way that it was possible the money could’ve been spent on unrelated matters and Republicans realized that and wanted to fix it.
Facts aside, Colbert reached for a football analogy, “So, screwing veterans might be political payback. Well, that would be some misdirected anger, GOP, that’s like a quarterback saying, ‘All right, huddle up, we’re down 20, I just threw an interception, and the other team scored. Here’s the play: I’m gonna sucker punch that old guy at the hot dog stand, alright, slap grandpa on three.’”
Colbert then turned his ire towards to one specific senator, “Of course, when it’s a story this horrible, you know it’s gotta involve Texas Senator and butthole all dressed up for his prostate exam, Ted Cruz. After blocking health care to veterans, Cruz was caught on camera walking up to Montana Senator Steve Daines and giving him a fist bump. I imagine there’s some veterans out there who would also like to bump Ted Cruz with their fists.”
After playing a clip of his former Comedy Central colleague Jon Stewart profanely accusing Republicans of turning their backs on veterans, Colbert returned to conclude, “Now, a lot of people– strong words, this is America First—lot of people are calling for Jon to run for president, and that would make a great campaign slogan. Right up there with ‘Tippecanoe and [bleep] you too.’”
Stewart and Colbert ought to be questioning why the bill is so bad, although Colbert might not be able get many jeers from his audience about Republicans.
This segment was sponsored and produced by Oral-B.
Below is the transcript from August 2:
CBS The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
8/1/2022
11.40 PM ET
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, there’s a story about Congress and veterans out there that you might have heard of. I’m just gonna start by saying I’ve been making the political jokey make-’em-ups for over 20 years, and I’ve never seen anything so baldly cynical and pointlessly malicious as this.
If there are children in the room, tell them to age quickly and please vote, because recently, –recently– both the House and Senate overwhelmingly passed a bill called the PACT act, which would expand healthcare coverage for military veterans who were exposed to toxins and burn pits during their service. That’s something we can all agree on. If we’re going to go to war, we have to take care of the warriors. Except that, due to an administrative issue, the Senate had to revote on the bill. And this time, it was blocked, because 25 Republican senators flipped their votes.
And like many Americans, I’d like to flip them in return. And, why would Republicans screw over veterans on a good bill that they previously voted for? Well, one theory is they had their boxers in a bunch after Joe Manchin and Chuck Schumer secretly negotiated a big climate deal.
So, screwing veterans might be political payback. Well, that would be some misdirected anger, GOP, that’s like a quarterback saying, “All right, huddle up, we’re down 20, I just threw an interception, and the other team scored. Here’s the play: I’m gonna sucker punch that old guy at the hot dog stand, alright, slap grandpa on three.”
Of course, when it’s a story this horrible, you know it’s gotta involve Texas Senator and butthole all dressed up for his prostate exam, Ted Cruz. After blocking health care to veterans, Cruz was caught on camera walking up to Montana Senator Steve Daines and giving him a fist bump.
I imagine there’s some veterans out there who would also like to bump Ted Cruz with their fists. This whole thing, there you go, that’s closer. You are now. This whole thing is outrageous and you know who is particularly outraged? My old buddy and leprechaun law partner, Jon Stewart. Johnny—Johnny Stu’s been advocating for this veterans’ healthcare bill for years, and almost saw it across the finish line, until Republicans shanked I and he had words.
JON STEPART: This is a bitch.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: No.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE #2: Yup.
STEWART: Ain’t this a bitch.
UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE #2: Yup.
STEWART: America’s heroes, who fought in our wars, outside sweating their asses off, with oxygen, battling all kinds of ailments, while these mother[bleep]ers, sit in the air conditioning, walled off from any of it. If this is America First, then America is [bleep].
COLBERT: Wow. Now, a lot of people– strong words, this is America First—lot of people are calling for Jon to run for president, and that would make a great campaign slogan. Right up there with “Tippecanoe and [bleep] you too.”
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