Autobiography of Joe Biden, Lyin’ Dog-Faced Pony Soldier – Opinion

The Life and Times Of A Lyin’ Dog-faced Pony Soldier. Joe Biden tells JimmyToons Thompson (Abridged Edition)

Chap.

Joseph R. Biden is my name. On November 20, 1942, I was born at a Scranton coal mine in Pennsylvania. From a long lineage of coal miners, I am my ancestor. It was in my blood. Literally. When I got out, I was covered in coal dust. That’s not hyperbole, man. True story. It actually happened. I opened my eyes, and God’s truth, instead of crying, I got right to work. I cut my umbilical by myself and pitched a coal-axe. I can still see my dad’s smile through his coal dust-covered face.

Pops had high hopes for me. Like the Kennedys, my pops, God rest his soul — he wanted more for me.

God save my mother, she wanted me to be called Derek Zoolander, after another line of coalminers. But my dad said no, “he’s Joseph Robinette Jr” and he’s gonna be president some day.” Hand on the Bible, folks, that what he said. It was me, man. It was the first time I had heard.

Because my father wanted to sell used Buicks, our family relocated to Delaware. He sold more Buicks that Ford sold Mustangs. God’s Truth, but never mind, that’s another story, folks.

My school class was the best. The same goes for athletics. The Steelers wanted to sign me my junior year of high school, but I remembered what my dad said to me back in that Scranton coal mine: “You’re gonna be president, kid.”

When I wasn’t studying or marching with MLK, or protesting the war in Vietnam, I was lifeguarding for poor black kids at a public pool. I was loved by all of them. In one summer I was able to save about 400,000 children from drowning and CornPop.

I went to Syracuse on a full scholarship, but, let me tell you, man, I told the university president that I didn’t want it. I said: “I’m a white man, man! Sure, I’m super-smart and handsome and my dad sells Buicks. I’ve got it all. Give it to a poor black kid, someone that’s articulate and bright and clean, you know, storybook, man.”

But the president insisted and said: “There something about you Joe. You’re gonna be president some day, Joe.” He really said that. After that, when I wasn’t busy studying quantum physics with Albert Einstein, I was driving an 18-wheeler for the union. Man, I literally didn’t sleep for two years straight years. God’s truth.

With three degrees, I completed my Syracuse degree in just two years. After that, I married. I wanted to join the Army and fly PT Boats in ‘Nam, but every time I tried to join, I was got a deferment. All the recruiters said it was the same. “Man, you saved all those black kids at the pool. You should be awarded a gold medal Five deferments. ‘Cause Joe, you’re gonna be president some day.”

Harvard Law was interested in me but I chose U. of Delaware. Full-ride scholarship. That’s not hyperbole, folks. They were very fond of me. One of my exams was marred by a misinterpretation. I lifted, word-for-word, from a law review article I had read, and sure, they called it plagiarism, but when I read the article, I thought, “That’s exactly what I would have written!” So, I think that law review writer stole it from me.

Man, I was the top graduate of my class. Sure, there are rumors that I was close to the bottom of the class, but it’s not true, man. My lawyering skills were so great that I wanted to give the rank of first place to poor black students. On purpose, I sank a couple exams.

As a Biden, I will give my word. That’s exactly how it happened — God’s truth as a good Catholic.

Next Chapter: Chapter 2: How I single-handedly saved my family from a raging house fire