“I didn’t think it was possible to loath two strangers with every fiber of my being, but here we are.”
A millennial couple’s vitaminwater-tinged relationship culminated in a meet cute-esque story shared to their wedding website that was widely mocked on social media over the weekend.
In an online post, Leanne and Derrick detailed their storybook romance, which started five years ago at a “medical sales mixer” when the two noticed they were both drinking vitaminwater essential.
From then on it was, apparently, love at first sip.
Before their first kiss (which, naturally, took place by the vitaminwater vending machine), the two talked and laughed for hours while discussing their “essentials:” “[K]ayaks, bicycles, blue button-downs” for Derrick. “[N]ature walks, bicycles, jewelry” for Leanne.
“Derrick really wanted to do something special for the proposal,” Leanne wrote. “So, to pay homage to our first meeting, Derrick called up our friend Amy at vitaminwater (we love you, Amy!), and asked if he could write the one and only wedding proposal on a vitaminwater bottle. Amy pulled some strings, and Derrick’s beautiful proposal was actually printed!”
She “began shedding tears of mostly joy” after picking up her daily vitaminwater at the store and reading Derrick’s proposal.
“Leanne, it’s me, Derrick,” began the message affixed to the bottle. “It wasn’t cheap getting a message onto a vitaminwater bottle, but i wanted to prove how essential you are to me. (It was either this or a diamond ring). So will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Derrick Kugelman?”
Leanne, naturally, said “yes,” and now the couple is looking forward to enjoying one of the time-honored benefits to betrothal: People buying you stuff.
“We’re so excited for the big day and your presence at the ceremony is important to us, but not as essential as receiving at least one of every gift on this registry,” the couple declared. “We look forward to seeing you on the big day, gift(s) in hand!”
Social media users collectively recoiled, led by The Washington Free Beacon’s Alex Griswold who tweeted, “I didn’t think it was possible to loath two strangers with every fiber of my being, but here we are.”
I didn’t think it was possible to loath two strangers with every fiber of my being, but here we are pic.twitter.com/lljfSg8Rjv
— Alex Griswold, but Halloween-themed I guess (@HashtagGriswold) October 26, 2018
Commenters lambasted the couple for their perceived tackiness and a consumerist approach to love. “They’ve structured their entire relationship around flavored water,” deadpanned one Twitter-er.
Many saw Derrick and Leanne’s relationship as emblematic of a recognizable type of status-conscious, materialism-obsessed millennial.
I’m willing to bet he drives a Subaru outback with one of those kayak holders
— BatsJosh驪 (@StatsJosh) October 26, 2018
Then there’s the question of whether this romance for the ages was really just a clever marketing ploy, especially in view of the fact that the couple’s registry was “so graciously sponsored by vitaminwater essential!”
I think it’s fake? If you google his name, the field will auto-fill “vitamin water” with it but then the search results are ALL for VW without his name attached, like it’s buried in the meta data: pic.twitter.com/OIQi0tUgb6
— Mike McCawley (but with a Halloween related pun) (@MikeMcCawley) October 26, 2018
Is Derrick and Leanne’s relationship too cringeworthy to be true? If it really is just an elaborate vitaminwater ad campaign, it’s no worse than the time the Canadian branch of the company printed the words, “You Retard” on the underside of a bottlecap in an attempt to target French speakers in 2013.
“Retard” means “late” in French.