Jeff Bezos Said to Blame Humiliating Leak of Dick Pic on Right-Wing Plot

“So sorry to hear the news…”

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is ordering an investigation into how the National Enquirer managed to obtain salacious messages he had sexted to his girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez.

The messages, which contained nude selfies of the world’s wealthiest man (including close-ups of the world’s wealthiest penis), were sent clandestinely, at a time when Bezos and Sanchez were both still married to other people.  “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon,” read one of the texts.

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Fuming, the billionaire has hired private investigators to discover how the text messages were leaked, according to a Wednesday report by The Daily Beast.

Though none of the threads of investigation have been made public, one dominant theory is that the publication was politically motivated. Bezos, who owns The Washington Post, is an ardent critic of President Donald Trump, who in turn has a long history of slamming Amazon and its owner.

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The revelation of Bezos’ infidelity earlier this month precipitated his divorce from his now ex-wife McKenzie (which ended up costing him $140 billion). Since then, Sanchez has also divorced her spouse, entertainment mogul Patrick Whitesell.

The Enquirer is no neutral spectator in this feud. Running the tabloid’s parent company is David Pecker, a Trump ally who admitted to paying hush money to the president’s former escorts. As soon as the Enquirer, which is reportedly sitting on “decades of dirt” about Trump, published the Bezos expose, the president gloated on Twitter, knocking both Bezos and his “lobbyist paper,” the “Amazon Washington Post.”

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