University Directs Students to ‘Practice With Pronouns,’ and It Highlights Our Stunning Sophistication – Opinion

Did you do any practicing lately? You don’t need to be restrained, but your oboe. I’m talking about pronouns.

The college experience has evolved a lot. Some might say it’s the new Pre-K: University attendees are getting schooled in ways that would’ve once been viewed as insufficiently advanced (see here).

But perhaps there’s something to be said for getting back to the basics.

Hence, the University of North Carolina has reportedly directed its students to “practice with pronouns.”

The school is on the cutting edge — its Office of the Provost’s Diversity and Inclusion page announces the following:

UNC Chapel Hill strives to promote gender equality on all levels, from hiring practices to lactation/family support and language that is gender inclusive.

Resources are offered, including a list of “lactation locations” and a lesson on pronouns. “You can’t always know what someone’s pronouns are by looking,” it says.

Are you unsure which pronouns are appropriate? Asking and correctly using someone’s pronouns is one of the most basic ways to show respect for their individuality and gender identity.

It’s an interesting idea: Given that pronouns aren’t generally used in someone’s presence, UNC believes you must call everyone what they insist when they aren’t around.

The webpage provides a chart of “Gender Non-Specific Pronouns”:

Subject Pronouns

 

Object Pronouns

 

Possessive Nouns

• Hers
• His
• They
• Hirs
• Xyrs
• Zirs

A Google search reveals a dedicated UNC “Gender Non-Specific Pronouns” page, but the link laments, “Sorry, but the page you were trying to view does not exist.”

However, Campus Reform reports that the page previously directed students to PracticeWithPronouns.com.

That site — which is also credited on the Diversity and Inclusion page — lets users choose from a set of “neo pronouns,” including “ve/ver/vis/vis/verself,” “ne/nem/nir/nirs/nemself,” and “ey/em/eir/eirs/emself.” Practice With Pronouns calls those “commonly used.”

Once you’ve selected a default set of pronouns or typed in something ultra-custom, the site will create a sample sentence.

“Fill in the blanks with your guesses, then click ‘Check Answers,’” it instructs.

A 100% correct effort:

Ey went into a period of silent terror, attacking savagely and dragging many people with them to the tent on the vacant lot.

If I properly understand, here’s the modern way of relating to your college peers:

You meet and briefly converse with cool-shoes Horacio, who informs you vis pronouns are of the “ve” variety — except ve substitutes “nem” for “ver,” “eir” for “vis,” “nirs” for the other “vis,” and “bunself” for “verself.”

After taking note of all the information, you can set aside time to practice on-line in your dorm. After 45 minutes, you’ve sorted out a rough sketch of how you’re supposed to talk — if and when you ever refer to nem.

Horacio and you will never talk again.

Your cousin is visiting you while at home during Christmas break. You want to indicate you’d like to get some shoes like the ones worn by some guy you once met.

Having pre-planned this information’s delivery, on the previous night, you told your family to go to the movies without you — you and Practice With Pronouns had work to do.

As you are concentrating on the last night’s notes, ask your cousin for silence.

After only ten minutes, you’re ready to show respect:

“There was some human at school who had shoes like the ones I want. Ve claimed that they were purchased at an outlet near their apartment. I was going to ask nem which store, but I got distracted because I had to log nirs pronouns into my 500-page journal I carry to list all humans I might ever reference’s pronouns. Ve would’ve probably taken me to the store bunself, but I’ll never know.”

Seventy years later, you’re recalling how you ended up obtaining those very shoes. This story is one you want to tell your nursing home attendant. Fortunately, your laptop has all of your pronouns from the past seven decades. Ze’ll be changing your bedpan next Thursday, and by then, you and your ninety-year-old mind will have figured out how to tell zir.

American life will continue to be a great one.

We may not be a society in pursuit of unity, but — at least for the college-educated — we’re certainly becoming superiorly sophisticated.

-ALEX

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