‘Taliban,’ ‘Handmaid’s Tale,’ Here Is The Worst Of Late Night On Abortion

Justice Samuel Alito’s draft opinion was not accepted by late-night comedy hosts. Roe V. Wade They did well on Tuesday’s shows. They make references to both the Taliban or lamenting human rights’ fall. The Handmaid’s Tale Here is an overview of their lamentations.

CBS’s James Corden Late Late Show was the most solemn of the bunch, claiming to be “gob smacked and shocked” by the news and saw hypocrisy, “I will say it’s mystifying, it’s baffling. For the past two years we’ve seen people crying out for medical autonomy, you know, from pushback, to, pushback mask mandates to anti-vaccination protests. And yet, now some of the most vocal opponents of government interference in medical care are supporting a decision that says, “Your body, my choice.”

He also proclaimed, “this is the biggest rollback of human rights in modern U.S. history.”

Over at Comedy Central, The Daily Show Trevor Noah was the host.

If the court’s decision is released officially, abortion will be illegal in about half the states in America. Yeah. That means all across the country, women in places like South Dakota, or Missouri, or even Texas, will have the exact same abortion rights as women in Afghanistan under the Taliban. Think about it. We just evacuated people out of Afghanistan, and now we’re going to have to evacuate them out of Tennessee? This is quite amazing. After all these years of the right screaming about the threat of Sharia Law. It turns out they were just jealous.”

Noah also suggested the justicess who would vote to overturn don’t care about their own daughters, “Maybe between then and now, one of these justices will have a daughter, and then they’ll understand. But wait! I’m being told four of them do have daughters. Ah, okay. [bleep] up.” 

Back over at CBS, The Late Show’s Stephen Colbert mocked the idea that Alito would focus on history when deciding whether the Founders intended for abortion to be a constitutional right, “Because nothing says ‘Looking toward the future’ like adhering to the earliest days of common law. That’s why I believe that life begins at white, land-owning male, and why horses who read should be arrested for witch-mischief. 

He also mocked the idea that elected politicians should be able to regulate abortion, “Yes, it is time to return this issue to the guy who Venmos teenagers for sex and the woman who believes in Jewish space lasers, as the founders intended.”

In the meantime, The Tonight Show on NBC, Jimmy Fallon showed no interest in the pressure campaign launched by the leaker, “Apparently they decided masks aren’t mandatory, but Mother’s Day is. Today, Chief Justice John Roberts condemned the leak and announced that there will be an investigation into how it out. Americans are like, ‘Uh, the leak is not our main concern.’”

Fallon’s fellow NBC host, Seth Meyers declared on Late Night falsely declared the Court will “end abortion rights, many of us are disheartened by this and are struggling to understand what can be done to protect women’s reproductive freedom.” Meyers then followed up with a skit lamenting the Democratic Party’s inability to plan or do anything to stop it.

ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel currently has COVID and guest host Mike Birbiglia did not mention draft opinion or abortion. 

Corden was sponsored MarketPro, Noah was sponsored Lexus, Colbert was sponsored Progressive, Fallon was sponsored Samsung, Meyers was the sponsorSandals

These transcripts are for the May 3, and 4, shows.

CBS James Corden on The Late Late Show

5/4/2022

12:00 AM ET

JAMES CORDEN: Now, regular viewers of the show will know that this is normally the point of the show where we’ll talk about the day’s news stories. That’s tough today because there is really only one news story in America today. I’m sure you’ve heard about the leaked Supreme Court opinion that would overturn Roe V. Wade. 

I think every single one of us was gob smacked and shocked when we read this. Now, you may have worked out by now, I’m—I’m– not from this country. But in the U.K. where I grew up, abortion has been safe and legal for many, many years. 

We have a healthcare system that takes care of women and their children for free. But here, today in America in the year 2022, five judges, who according to polls on this subject, don’t seem to reflect the feeling of this nation, are about to rule away the reproductive rights of over 50% of the population. 

I will say it’s mystifying, it’s baffling. For the past two years we’ve seen people crying out for medical autonomy, you know, from pushback, to, pushback mask mandates to anti-vaccination protests. 

And yet, now some of the most vocal opponents of government interference in medical care are supporting a decision that says, “Your body, my choice.” And make no mistake, this is the biggest rollback of human rights in modern U.S. history and we know what a reversal of reproductive rights looks like because your parents and grandparents, they lived it already. 

When abortion is illegal, it doesn’t stop abortions, it still happens. It just has incredibly devastating consequences for mothers and their families. And of course, the most devastating consequences so often fall on communities of color and the economically disadvantaged. 

In the—in the– leaked document the court claims it wants to return the right to regulate abortion to state governments, meaning in many places the decision would very much be taken away from the individuals most affected: women making hard and difficult choices about their own bodies based on circumstances that are, frankly, none of our business. This is not our business. It is both shocking and tragic. 

And it’s terrifying in its future implications for basic rights that we thought were guaranteed. Everyone here, me included Late Late Show stand in solidarity with women today and every day and I hope so much that the people who make the decisions in this country will think long and hard before they let this devastating overthrow of human rights stand.

Comedy Central The Daily Show With Trevor Noah

5/3/2022

11:02 PM ET

TREVOR NOAH: If the court’s decision is released officially, abortion will be illegal in about half the states in America. Yeah. That means all across the country, women in places like South Dakota, or Missouri, or even Texas, will have the exact same abortion rights as women in Afghanistan under the Taliban. Think about it. 

We just evacuated people out of Afghanistan, and now we’re going 
to have to evacuate them out of Tennessee? This is quite amazing. After all these years of the right screaming about the threat of Sharia Law. It turns out they were just jealous. Let’s be very clear: Roe V. Wade hasn’t yet been overturned, right. This is a leaked draft from February. The draft isn’t official. For all we know, the opinion could change by the time it’s released. Or the justices who signed on to it in February could change their minds. It’s not likely, but it’s technically possible. 

It’s possible, I suppose, that someone might try Ayahuasca. Maybe Justice Alito will try Ayahuasca and come back with a totally new perspective on the universe and how we’re all connected. Or maybe between then and now, one of these justices will have a daughter, and then they’ll understand. But wait! I’m being told four of them do have daughters. Ah, okay. [bleep] up. 

But it’s important to remember how we got here because keep in mind that poll after poll shows that a majority of Americans don’t want Roe V. WadeTo be overturned. But the GOP didn’t care about that. No. They didn’t care about winning over the people. They just cared about getting enough justices on to the Court to get what they want. Basically, they used the same tactic that that asshole friend of yours uses when they’re ordering pizza. “Hey, What toppings does everyone want, what do you want on the pizza? “Extra cheese and pepperoni.” “Well, I’m ordering so it’s anchovies and pineapples. Dick.” And that’s basically how you end up with a Supreme Court decision that amounts to a hostile takeover of America’s reproductive rights.

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

5/3/2022

11:38 ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: Last night, we found out, according to a leaked draft of the majority opinion, the Supreme Court has voted to overturn Roe V. Wade. Now, when I heard this last night, at first I was shocked. Then I was shocked that I was shocked. You see, I’m no Angela Lansbury, and this isn’t Cabot Cove, but keen-eyed observers may have noticed they’ve been dropping a few hints, a few clues that this might be coming down the pike. Personally, I got suspicious when Neil Gorsuch stopped wearing his pussy hat. 

The opinion—the opinion– which would dispense with half a century of precedent, was written by Associate Justice Samuel Alito, seen here hoping nobody notices he just dropped an opinion in his robe. This is quite a burden. Alito wrote, “We hold that.” RoeAnd Casey must be overruled. A right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the nation’s historyAnd traditions. On the contrary, an unbroken tradition of prohibiting abortion on pain of criminal punishment persisted from the earliest days of the common law.” 

Because nothing says “Looking toward the future” like adhering to the earliest days of common law. That’s why I believe that life begins at white, l-owning male, and why horses who read should be arrested for witch-mischief. 

Alito strangely argues that overturning Roe is about bringing people together, writing, “Roe and Casey have enflamed debate and deepened division.” So he thinks this decision will make those divisions… better? “And now, to mend a broken nation by pulling the healing pin from this justice grenade, aaand… Kaboom-baya.” 

Apparently—apparently the conservative—apparently the conservative justices believe this is not an issue for the courts. Alito writes, “It is time to heed the Constitution and return the issue of abortion to the people’s elected representatives.” Yes, it is time to return this issue to the guy who Venmos teenagers for sex and the woman who believes in Jewish space lasers, as the founders intended. Of course, back then, there were no lasers. They thought the rabbis were erecting magnifying glasses on top of church steeples. 

Alito tries to dodge the controversy here, writing, “We do not pretend to know how our political system or society will respond to today’s decision overruling Roe and Casey. Okay, but it sure seems like someone knew how society was going to respond, since immediately after the ruling was leaked, police surrounded the supreme court with barricades. “Uh-oh! These barricades?” It’s not a problem. We just—we just– put them up to stop Clarence Thomas fans from hugging him. Those Clare Bears are out of control. They’re just– gotta keep them back.”

That’s fine. Not that Alito gives a damn what you think. He writes, “We cannot allow our decisions to be affected by any extraneous influences, such as concern about the public’s reaction to our work.” Now, surprisingly Alito was joined in the decision by no one who would surprise you: Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Amy Coney Barrett. So, congratulations, ladies, decisions about what you can do with your body are now being made by four old dudes and a woman who thinks The Handmaid’s Tale It is a romantic comedy. 

NBC The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

5/3/2022

11.34 pm ET

JIMMY KIMMEL: Well, guys, everyone is talking about this last night, a draft of an upcoming Supreme Court opinion leaked, and it showed that the Court is planning to overturn Roe V. Wade, even though only 29% of Americans support that move, yeah, 29%. That — that’s not a lot I mean, even Dunkin’ Donuts new hummus toast has more support. There are even a lot of Republicans who don’t want Roe V. Wade overturned they’re like, “Whoa, we just want to take down Mickey Mouse, what the hell are you guys doing? Pump — pump the brakes.” That’s right it looks like the Supreme Court will overturn Roe V. Wade. Apparently they decided masks aren’t mandatory, but Mother’s Day is. Today, Chief Justice John Roberts condemned the leak and announced that there will be an investigation into how it got out. Americans are like, “Uh, the leak is not our main concern.”  

NBC Late Night with Seth Meyers

5/4/2022

12:40 ET

SETH MEYERS: But before we get to all that, yesterday Politico published a draft opinion that revealed the Supreme Court has decided to overturn the landmark case, Roe V. Wade, and end abortion rights, many of us are disheartened by this and are struggling to understand what can be done to protect women’s reproductive freedom. To help us out, please welcome two representatives from the Democratic National Committee. 

DNC STAFFER 1.  Thank you, Seth Meyers. Now, America, we understand things are looking down. 

DNC STAFFER 2: For a lot of us, the future seems dim. 

DNC STAFFER 1: But we, the Democratic National Committee, are here to reassure you that we will get through this. 

DNC STAFFER 2: We have a plan Democrats are going to show up in record numbers this upcoming election and vote, vote, vote

MEYERS; Oh, wow, I mean, that really makes me breathe easier so you really think we have a chance in stopping this? 

DNC STAFFER 1: [Bleep] No! 

DNC STAFFER II: What is the [bleep] Are you talking about?